I’ve completely given up on writing poetry — I am simply unable to find the right phrasings. Or perhaps I’ve read too much great poety and all my futile attempts are smothered beneath heaps of expectation before I get the first word on paper. 

This is a very ambitious topic, and it’s hard to pull off with grace. But I like your attempt. I’ll just focus on the things that seemed off, to my mind.

My first impression was that you tell too much rather than set up experiences, while (to my mind) the latter is the feel you’re trying to get across. Something tighter or more compact, perhaps? Most of this, if printed without line breaks, would make for a decent prose text. I think that is especially true for the first stanza.

Don’t get me wrong: most of this reads like poetry. The lines that don’t are "we mourn those whose threads have been broken", which  could do without the obvious mention of mourning that all of us ("we") go through, and "our mothers, our fathers, our brothers", which is a very coherent, sensible list, no surprises or nothing unexpected there, if you understand me. Hmm. Actually, what feels most out of place is the use of "we" and "our". Perhaps if you got rid of "we" — "we come and we go"; "we make the pattern" — and stopped referring to all of mankind with frequent reference to a reassuring, inclusive we; perhaps that would increase reader involvement. Talk about a specific situation or person rather than a generic bird’s eye view of the matter (like Shakespeare’s sonnet 18, come to think of it). But that’s my opinion. 

Or perhaps you could try make this more like parlando poetry? but that would necessitate turning the poem completely around. I’ll stick with my first suggestion.

Are you going to post updates and revisions? Â 

I’m going to have to re-read this a few more times (I have mentioned my poetry disability) before I can say anything helpful.

For now, I’ll say:

•  I like the tapestry imagery, it’s a nice reminder of the interconnectedness of life.
• I don’t like the use of "whatever".  Some of the words punch through the flow…What I mean is, a tapestry is an "old-fashioned" object, and the pondering of life’s meaning is something humans have done since we’ve evolved the ability to think.  And there is a comfort and security in that, and in the poem.  So "modern" usage of word like "whatever" seem to break the flow for me.  It’s not a piece that contrasts historical and modern ideas about life and death…

*I’ll be back*