I co-wrote these with BethanyM — or actually: I wrote them, and we edited/finalised them together. The booger spotting story was her idea, though.

Metallica separates people

Zwolle, Netherlands — Two days ago a curious bicycle accident took place in our fair town, involving two fans of the American metal band Metallica. 17-year-old Julie K. riding down the Luttekestraat, crashed headfirst into Lies F. (17), who was crossing the road, and sent her flying into a porch with three steps. She sustained only minor bruises. Julie K. injured her knee and suffered some road rash, and was later transferred to a hospital by the emergency services. She was diagnosed with a minor sprain and was back home in a matter of hours.

“I was listening to my mp3-player, and I always tend to walk or ride in sync with the music. You know, tapping the rhythm with my fingers, drawing the melody line in the air, or just moving my arms or feet or head to the beat, that kind of thing.” This time she was trying to pedal in sync with a song with varying rhythms. This led her to accelerate unexpectedly, which in turn caused the accident.

“I was listening to the song “One” by Metallica, do you know that? Well, about halfway in, the song picks up and there’s this massive drum bit. I was trying to keep up, even though the drummer’s too fast to keep up with peddling. I was trying so hard that I didn’t focus on traffic, and next thing I know I’m sailing through the air.”

Interesting detail: both girls happened to be Metallica fans who like the song that indirectly led to the accident. “I don’t think I ever met Lies before this happened, at least not that I recall,” Julie says. “It’s quite possible that we were at the same concert, possibly even more than once. Maybe this accident was a sign, maybe Lies and I should be friends.”

Lies F, however, has turned down all friendship offers and has stated that she has no interest in continuing her acquaintance with Julie.

“The accident hasn’t changed me at all,” Julie K. told our local correspondent. “True, I won’t be able to ride a bike for some time, but I haven’t changed on the inside. And because I walk everywhere these days, I always carry two pens with me, so I can drum on traffic signs, drain pipes and so on. It’s heaps of fun!”

Herd of “experimental” sheep bully goat

Invercargill, Southland — New Zealand. A well-meaning sheep farmer in New Zealand has suffered a major setback when his own sheep, through pure bullying, sabotaged a project that was to change the future of his business.

“I’ve been a sheep farmer all my life, and together with my wife I’ve taken the decision to reduce the sheep-part of my business over the next few years and try to work my way into the goat market.” 47-year-old Martin L. explains. “But since sheep are such stupid animals, we decided it would be best not to scare them too much and to allow them to get used to the idea of competitors in the meadows. That was my wife’s idea — she’s really concerned about animals.”

The farming couple then decided to acquire one goat and to place it in a meadow along with some twenty sheep. “We figured that would be the best way to go about things,” Martin says. “But the sheep apparently didn’t like their new comrade and kicked her out of their group”

Indeed, whenever the goat tried to ingratiate herself with the sheep herd, she met with brutal aggression. “These sheep were just plain nasty to her. Sometimes they came over specifically to bite her, or to drive her off a soft grassy patch or something. Sometimes for no reason at all. I guess she just didn’t fit in the pecking order or something.”

“It was purely a dominance issue,” Christine L. (37), Martin’s wife, told us. “It was heart-wrenching to see that poor creature stand there all by itself in one corner of the meadow. Sometimes it bleated softly to itself. And even then would that herd of aggressive beasts descend on her.”

In the end, the couple had to resell their goat, and calm and tranquillity returned to the herd. However, Martin L. is planning on trying a similar experiment next year, once his sheep have re-adapted to their current situation. “I’m thinking of introducing cows next time round,” he told our local correspondent. “They’re a lot bigger than goats, and I bet a half-tonne grazing machine won’t be intimidated as easily. Also, part of the problem was that goats are very intelligent animals, whereas sheep are pretty much the stupidest critters you’ll ever come across. Cows are much like sheep in that they’re quite dumb and rather affectionate in a silly kind of way, which means that if this year’s debacle repeats itself, the cow will probably be too dumb to understand.”

Sheep and more broadly, dairy products, are New Zealand’s biggest export product, totalling 21%  of all merchandise export.

Booger spotting

Waarschoot — Belgium. Sometimes we don’t need to go scouting for good stories. Instead, they find us. Last week our local correspondent in Belgium got an interesting letter from Marie-Josée V. (77), and she immediately went to investigate:

FOLC: What made you write to FOLC?
M-J.V. “Don’t you think we live in a disgusting world? We do, don’t we? That’s what my husband used to say, may he rest in peace. I’m sure he’d be utterly indignant at what I have to witness at a daily basis. It’s definitely repugnant. He’s surely turning in his grave.”

FOLC: Could you explain what the problem is?
M-J.V. “It’s those repugnant motorists I see every day. They have absolutely not the slightest understanding of the notion of “good manners”. Do you realise what they’re doing? They’re picking their nose! While driving! Fully grown-up men! Adults! Women even! Judging from their behaviour, you’d say they were children, but no: they are allowed to drive cars. And nobody does anything to stop them!”

FOLC: Was FOLC the first organisation you notified?
M-J.V. “I got to the police first. They thought I was batty, and one of the younger ones even told me in so many words. I set him straight then and there. Since then I’ve always been sure to bring my grandson, who is six, with me when I go for my daily walk; sometimes my daughter. He’s my main witness: he’ll vouch for me. He’s got sharper eyes as well, so he can see the offenders’ licence plates better. You really should see him being all proud just because he can write down all the letters and all the numbers on their license plate. He’s a smart kid.”

FOLC: So why did you write to FOLC?
M-J.V. “Because the police weren’t doing anything with the lists we sent them, that’s why! They told us to stop interfering because they weren’t allowed to fine those dirty people. “What about offending morality, huh?” I asked them “What are you gonna do about that? Are you just gonna let them help the world go to hell?” — and I’ll tell you this: they didn’t have an answer to that. No, they did not! And still they refused to talk to these people, tell’em to stop. That’s when I thought I’d write to a number of newspapers. And here you are!”

FOLC: What is the source of your hatred against nose-picking?
M-J.V. “I didn’t raise any of my children to be a nose-picker — nor any of my grandchildren, I’ll have you know! It’s a filthy and disgusting habit that should be exterminated. I feel revolted every time I see someone do it. (shudders) And don’t give me any of that “so why don’t you avoid them” talk — you know what I’m talking about. ”

FOLC: Are there any special observations you’ve made? For example, are people in expensive cars more likely to poke their nose than people in cheap cars?
M-J.V. “I couldn’t say that: all I know is that these unmannered people are to be found everywhere. There’s even one license plate we got three times. Three times! And that’s only when we spotted her on my daily round! Can you imagine the size of her nasal cavities? Her husband and her children must be awfully ashamed of her! If she’s got those, of course, cause these days you never can tell…”

FOLC: Alright, Mrs V. Thank you —
M-J.V. “You are going to print the list of license plates I gave you, aren’t you?”

FOLC: Yes, of course we are. Thanks a lot for this interview.

A complete list of license plates, as well as contact information for Mrs. V, can be obtained by sending an email to the FOLC Secretariat

List of offenders:

AZS 436
FHD 451
GTA 911
HDP 402
KBH 735
LIM 962
OLF 861
PJV 639 (× 3)
USA 589