I co-wrote these with BethanyM. We intend to make this a semi-regular thing. Whenever the silly ideas strike us…

Tumored
toddler saved by 10.000 litres of milk

By D.A.F.

This wasn’t the first tragedy to befall the
disaster-stricken toddler. Last year he had been diagnosed with a lethal brain
tumor, one that had been progressively constraining his physical movements. “It
was heart-breaking to see him try empty his bowl of corn flakes every morning,”
his mother, Wendy M. (26), says, “He’d been showing some progress lately, though, which is why,
we think, he managed to crawl all the way to the highway.”

Little Tommy’s mother got the surprise of her
life when she discovered her son was still alive after his accident. “He was
still moving, and crying, and he snuggled up against me,” she says, all the
emotions coming back. “I noticed his head first. It had become so incredibly small
and vulnerable.” Indeed, Tommy’s head before the accident had devolped a lump
the size of a tennis ball at the back, where the tumor was located. The
incident with the truck compressed his skull just enough to squeeze out the
tumor, miraculously enough without causing futher brain damage.

“He’s so badly scarred back there that he’ll be
bald on that spot for the rest of his life.” Tommy’s mother explains. “But he’s
alright now, he isn’t dying any more, and that’s what matters. We are a happy
 family.”

Neurosurgeons think they might have found a way
to cure people who suffer from similar tumors as Tommy, and have begun
attempting to recreate the accident under laboratory conditions.

CHAIR INCIDENT

By Y.M-E.

Yesterday,
while John M. (46) was walking across the living room to pick up his glass of
wine, he studded his toe against a chair leg. The pain was immediate and
intense, but he didn’t swear. His condition has improved since.

ROBBERS
GROW EVER MORE BRUTAL

By BS

Last night another law-abiding citizen fell
prey to the ruthless gang of robbers that has been plaguing the city park for
the last two months. This time the victim was Noah W. (36), president of the
local “Friends of the Abbey” community.

“I was taking the shortest way home, through
the park. I was only minding my business, enjoying my ice cream, when suddenly
four masked thugs surrounded me and started shouting abuse at me.” In no
uncertain terms, the robbers then threatened to hurt him if he didn’t give them
all his money. “They sounded quite young, like teenagers,” Noah M. declared to
the police later, but out of pure shock he wasn’t able to provide a better
description. “They grabbed hold of my ice cream and made it very clear that
they would stomp on it if I didn’t do as they told me. It was horrible. They
refused to listen to reason.”

In the end, Noah W. gave up his wallet and the
robbers took off without inflicting further harm.

He immediately notified the police, and less
than one hour after the incident more than five officers were avidly combing
the park area for a gang of four teenagers, wearing dark outfits, most likely
with a brown ring around their mouth; but their search was in vain. As of yet, the
criminals have not yet been apprehended.