The thing is that I don’t know how to be a friend.  I don’t know how to go through something that feels like having  your heart handed back to you julienned and lightly seared without withdrawing completely. My feeling is this:  It’s my heart, and I’ll eat it in the privacy of my shame.  It’s just easier to get from Shame to “They Don’t Really Want You There Anyway” then it is to get to literalminded.com, or yahoo IM, or even the telephone for that matter.

All blog content has been absorbed into LiteralMinded, and Freeminded has now closed.  I still hope we will be reopening it as a new incarnation, but the first priority was to find a place for the content and close the current site.

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I’m so tired of all the stuff we have accumulated over the years. It makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking when I bought it or took it in from someone else.

This is much more than decluttering. My children have enough clothes to warm a small tribe. Not to mention we all wear the same two or three shirts and pants every week because I wash laundry so much.

Does a seven year old actually NEED ten sweaters?

I am new here. I am from Seng but have chosen a new web name to use from here on in. The origins of my name: My husband loves to say to me "You know what I mean Jelly Bean" when we are having deep conversations that can be emotional as well. He actually suggested the name of Queen Jelly Bean. LOL

I found the "spirit on this board", to be one that reminds me of Seng during days of old. God how I miss that. I am hopeful that I can join in here and also move on to the new Gifted site as well. I value the variety of personalities here. Kind of like a good assortment of Jelly Belly’s. All different colors and flavors.

Today is a calm day full of reflections. I hired a personal coach 2 days ago. This professional is going to assist me in feeling the fear and doing it anyways. LOL

I was struck by how tightly wound up I get myself and how fast. OE’s?? LOL This woman has worked with me in the past. After establishing our contract and goal, she started in on me. First off, told me to cool my heals. I am way to hard on myself. She expressed that in the time since she saw me last, I have made 5 times the progress that is usual. I need to slow down. That is what is causing me the anxiety.

I am a huge John Waters fan. I first started watching his movies when I was about thirteen, after a group of older kids invited me back to their place after participating in the Rocky Horror Saturday night party fest at the theater.

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Okay, so I was all set to write a series of blog entries on the "conspiracy theories" I’d been researching, which mostly turned out not to be conspiracies or theories, but fairly blatant plans made by various groups. But in the process of trying to objectively follow one rumor or another to its "official" source, I started realizing that all of this stuff played right into my natural tendency to view things in a sort of survivalist way. By that I mean: expect the best, but plan for the worst.

Twenty-five words is not too much to ask for the body of a blog, but I am having to add this as I import WD’s blog entry to make sure it goes in. 

I will never get through. I hate being this negative about it, but I think I have to accept the truth. It’s funny…I always thought I’d be the one carrying the lamp while wondering through daylit streets looking form something that doesn’t exist. I can’t help it. The thoughts gave way to images, and the images carried me to the scents. The scents of bloosoms unseen…remaining so permanently, I suppose. But the fire! It teases with its heat…ever luring even my conscience to justify to myself its scarring heat. It’s a dream that follows me into the waking hour! Perhaps I am sleeping now, and truly, the memory of the imagined is nothing less than reality. It consumes me, though. How can I, like a child, remain drawn to what this world will deny me? Angst? No doubt! If something brings even my overly analytical, detail oriented, and truth seeking mind to justify this immoral act…then can it be good? Though I have the reason and intelligence to engage the logic…and though I know right from wrong…still I say…I DON’T CARE! Now, if I can be sure that what I wish to happen has not, and that the alternative that I remember is not truth… oh forget it. Reality only and always says…I think too much.

Okay, so since my recent stress level has been so high, I’m doing a life-overhaul. I’m starting on a raw-foods fast this week to clean out my body and hopefully get a handle on my reflux and spasmodic digestive system.

I’m also going start praying/meditating again. And eventually I’ll get around to exercising. The point is, I am making some “positive” lifestyle changes and I need support! If there’s anything anyone else wants to do, post it here so I can cheer for you.